Last year I had a great idea. My husband's small construction company came grinding to a near halt and it was becoming clear we needed to make a big change in our lives if we were going to continue forward. I said to my husband, "You should go back to school full time and I will get a full time job to help support us!" He agreed that it was a great idea.
Miraculously, I got the first job I applied for despite a 17 year hole in my resume. A month after having this great idea my husband was completing the paperwork necessary to become a community college student and I was sitting at the reception desk of a small manufacturing company. All I could think each day was, "What have I done?!"
I had been a homemaker for 17 years. There had been a couple part-time jobs but each time they got in the way of being with my kids or taking care of my home I quit. I loved being a homemaker. I loved raising my kids and taking care of my husband, loved caring for my home, loved the freedom of my schedule, loved meeting my friends for coffee at the mall, loved morning work outs, volunteering at school and at church, loved summer days at the pool, loved my life. So not surprisingly I found the transition back to full-time employment more than a little challenging. My 6 year old daughter and I cried together almost every day the first few weeks, then weekly for a couple more months but, about 6 months in we were all beginning to accept this new reality in our lives. Slowly, I felt like I could begin to move forward again.
On challenging days, and I suspect as long as I work there will be challenging days, I try to remember some of the things God has taught me through this process:
I need community. I process things with other people. Knowing that other women struggled with this transition from home to work helped me to go through the process and believe I would make it to the other side. Having someone you can share your struggles with who really understands makes such a difference. That is why stay-at-home moms flock to moms groups, for community, to spend time with people who understand what they are going through and share experiences. I love my homemaker friends but, some new connections with other women who have also returned to work really helped.
I need to re-define my expectations. I remember telling a co-worker how overwhelmed I was with keeping up my house while working. She had 2 kids and a number of working years behind her and I asked how she did it. She was very nice and encouraged me with some ideas but I remember her saying, "honestly my house is a mess most of the time." This past year my house has been a bit of a mess. Not episode of "Clean House" messy, but I have learned to live with a level of clutter and a layer of dust. I still clean, just not like I used to. Sometimes when I go to bed the dinner dishes are still spread across my kitchen counter. Eventually I identified a couple places in the home it was important for me to stay on top of and just did the best I could with the rest of the house.
I need to say "no". On my daughter's first day of school, I stood over the sign-up sheets in her classroom, pencil in hand, desperately wanting to put my name down on something. I hovered for a minute or two and finally set the pencil down and walked away. It was a pivotal moment for me, allowing myself to acknowledge my life was different now that I was working and giving myself the grace to not have to be super mom while I was transitioning. I also said "no" to my kids' activities. I hope we will eventually be able to return to some of them but I knew that the first year back to work I was not going to run home, inhale food and rush my kids off to the next thing. Some days I felt lucky to make it back home before I passed out from the exhaustion of working outside the home all day.
I need to keep my marriage a priority. I emailed one of my few working friends before I started my job desperate for any advice she could give me on how to survive this transition. One of the things she said was, "No matter how tired or burned out you feel, make sex a priority." That turned out to be useful advice considering that was the last thing on my mind during those first several months. My husband and I have a weekly date night. Nothing fancy, just coffee and a shared dessert at an all-night restaurant. The first week after I started working I was exhausted and my daughter was crying and begging me not to leave her again. I wanted to tell my husband I couldn't go because I had to stay with her. But then I wondered what message that was sending to him. And her? Date night is one of my favorite nights of the week and I knew I needed to continue prioritizing time with my husband for us to talk and enjoy each other's company if I was going to survive the transition back to work and keep our marriage strong.
I need to take care of myself. I was never one of those homemakers that gave it all to my family and kept nothing for myself. I always found time to do my nails, hit the gym, meet a friend at the mall or spend an afternoon reading the latest novel. Once I started working, my free time was so limited that I could go weeks without doing anything for myself. And when I did I felt guilty. But eventually I realized that I really did need a little time for me. It re-energized me for the rest of my life. So I stopped feeling guilty for taking an evening yoga class, having an occasional coffee with a girlfriend or just sneaking away to wander my favorite book store.
I need to rely on God. Sometimes there just isn't anything else to it, you go to God. He was my Rock those first few months, and good thing because I REALLY needed one. I may not have known what I was doing, where I was going, or if my daughter and I would ever stop crying, but I knew God had my back and would get our family through.
I need to pray for others. Eventually I got tired of thinking about myself and the transition. There is no magic formula for getting past the transition; you just have to do it. And I realized that when I took my eyes and my mind off myself and started praying for others I was more relaxed and felt more balanced. I couldn't really DO for others. I didn't have it in me to bring anyone a meal, watch anyone's children or even just go and sit with a hurting friend. But I could pray. And so I did. I made a list and pulled it out each morning lifting each person up to the Lord. I was reminded that I am not the only one going through hard times. We all struggle, we all need God, we all need each other. This was probably one of the best things I did that first year.
I need to be thankful. It is easy to focus on what has gone wrong. I certainly could have spent my days telling myself this was not the life I wanted. And some days I did. But I tried to learn to re-focus my thinking away from what I didn't have over to what I did have. Whether I am at home full-time or employed full-time I am blessed. Reminding myself of that fact and spending my day looking for the blessings rather than the problems brought me way more joy than complaining ever did.
I might need to re-evaluate. About 9 months into my return to work we were starting to find a groove. On a day-to-day basis things seemed fairly smooth. The house was mostly picked up. Dinner was made. The laundry was getting done. And our children were being cared for. My son even managed to finish his senior year of high school without my constant presence. Yet there were still plenty of bumpy patches coming up regularly. Even the slightest deviation of our routine seemed to throw us way off track. Finally during one particularly rocky patch I looked at my husband and said, "This isn't working". He agreed. Not that this changed my need to work but we realized maybe we needed to change my job and our approach. I didn't immediately start a job search but we talked about timing and prayed for direction. We talked about what I really needed in a job and how our family could work together better. When the time was right God dropped the ideal job situation into my lap. I am in another year of transition- learning a new job with a new schedule. Yet, with a little experience on my side, this transition is going much smoother.
Some days I still miss being at home full time. But, this schedule, this routine, is starting to feel like my life. I will always cherish those years at home. But I am starting to enjoy the challenge of my working years as well.
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